The brain fog I feel everyday is unmatched. Im so sleep deprived. When I sleep, I think Im awake. I wake up talking to whoever I dreamed of and realize Im alone.
My hips and stomach have so much built up pressure. This morning my pain is at a 5, which is good because yesterday I wanted to actually scoop out my organs with a serving spoon. The bloat has added 6 pounds to my body even though Ive eaten very little.
The reality of living with endometriosis is horrible. I have many least favorite parts about it. But here are two: being stuck in bed. I’ve always been a slightly lazy girl, I love to lay down and roll around and read a book and eat in bed. I also love to roll in the grass and run and jump and play. I want to move. I don’t want to stumble out of bed or kill myself trying to make myself something to eat. No one gets it. I want to be free.
The second hardest are the ultrasounds. “Hi, my names Mallory. I’m really nervous, these are usually painful and I have a trauma history of sexual assault so this is hard for me.” “Oh don’t worry, you’ll be fine, we do this all the time.” Over my stomach the jelly goes. “I can’t see anything!” then comes the probe. The longest pole with a large head on the end. They shove it in me sometimes not even inside, on the left or right of the skin, just pushing into nothing. “Stop! Please! It hurts” I plead. “Yeah, it hurts” the tech answers. The worst of them all was a women who told me I was pretending to be unable to walk, that shes been doing this for 30 years so she can see my ovaries perfectly fine (she had just called in another tech and a doctor for help). Insult and insult and a rape like feeling of pain. It’s so intrusive. I assume if you need one for a pregnancy, they probably treat you a lot better. But here’s me, young, normally presenting, and in blubbering tears due to the fear and the pain. They cannot find my ovaries, they’re hidden. So they move left to right like a joystick. They push and dig and say “oops, sorry!” This is not me disparaging ultrasound technicians, I am only saying that my experiences with them have left me absolutely fucking terrified to get another one.
I am alone I am tired and I am begging for someone to hear me and listen and give me a modicum of relief I am begging please hear me.
endoreality 
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