I feel trapped in my body. I stand up and fall down. The dizziness is beyond me I can barely keep meds down. I wish this was fun for me I wish I could focus. Turn on the game and my eyes just glaze over. Lying in the shower and begging for relief. Even the good days have unbearable grief.
Its 10pm, I’ve done all the things. I self cared my way to the end of the day. I hate a pain scale, so arbitrarily divisive, but my pain is at a 4. My shoulder and hips and pelvis still scream, but my mind’s so alive, and honestly, that’s more cruel. I feel so exhausted by all of this pain and responsibilities I’ve thrown down the drain.
Everyone is patient and kind and caring but I’m afraid I’ll run out their credit. I try so hard to move when my pain is lower but I always regret it. I feel so fucking stuck and no one understands. I am begging, pleading you to hear me, This Disease has its hand over my mouth and I’m trying to expand but no matter how hard I try no one ever gets what I mean when I say it feels like i’m going to die.
I know I am dramatic but It’s taken my spirit. I cannot create under these conditions. I cannot love and be loved like this. It’s so hard on everyone near me and for those far away I only see pity.
endoreality 
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